We know what you’re thinking. Stay-at-home style? For me? No, my tastes are too pajama-chic. Too niche. Too, dare-I-say-it, weird. Challenge accepted, friend. We guaran-tee a stay-at-home look for you, whatever strange yet perfectly acceptable vibe you’re into.
THE CAT DAD BODYBUILDER
Intense, muscular, and one hell of a cat dad. You’re just like John Wick but if, like, instead of a puppy and tragedy, he got a kitty and an at-home gym. You both love one thing: routine. Fluffy needs his wet food at 6:00am, which is the purrfect alarm for you to start those squats. While he’s sniffin’ catnip, you’re slammin’ protein powder. Wear your “Cat Daddy” tee ‘til the sleeves rip off. Stick your “Go Hard” magnet to that iron before you pump it. These gainz don’t paws for anything!
THE CHASTE BOYFRIEND WHO LET HIS GIRLFRIEND MOVE INTO THE SPARE BEDROOM
Now you’re praying this works out. Today she dropped her cross necklace and when she bent over you may have seen a panty line. Lord help you. Better go for a socially-distanced jog in your “Not today Satan” tee to cool off. Our “All Conference” shower curtain will remind her every day, “Hey! Can’t touch these nuts!” And if, God forbid, you guys happen to have a moment of hot, passionate, hand holding on the couch, you can always chuck our “What would Jesus Throw” throw pillow at her and hide in the bathroom. Godspeed!
NOT YOUR MAMA’S DUNGEON MASTER
You’re not just some basement dwelling, Dorito-hoarding, “dork.” You’re also a social distancing pro. With a healthy stock of toilet paper, 13 cases of Dew, and one hell of a video chat campaign lined up for this weekend, you’re ready for any scenario, real or played out. You’ve been prepping for weeks, nay…months, nay! You waited your whole life for this. Your “As long as we have our imagination” notebook is full of notes and quests. Your “Dungeons and Dragons Master Outrun” tee is ironed. Your campfire scented candle is crackling. Now dim the lights, pour the chianti, and roll the dice.
THE HIPSTER DAIRY FARMER
In the age of non-dairy, soy, vegan lattes, there’s nothing more hipster than being a dairy farmer. You’ve been embracing bovines since it was cool, then not cool, then kinda cool again. Take your non-soy latte to the pasture in our “Not Today Heifer” mug. Gather the herd for a selfie with your “Tagging before tagging was cool” tee. Hashtag tagging. Hashtag I’ve got milk. Hashtag don’t have a cow.
THE WEIRDLY ENTHUSIASTIC DENTAL HYGIENIST
Ever since you were a child you loved teeth. At just six years old you tackled your big brother, stabbed his gums with a toothpick, sprayed his mouth with the hose, and sent him home crying with a new toothbrush and a reminder to, “Floss or else!” Now that you’re stuck at home, it’s time to relive the dream: legally torturing your family. After all, when you’re home, there’s no excuse not to floss. Celebrate in our “Flossin’ ain’t just for gangstas” tee. Selfie those pearly whites with our “Crushed It” phone case. Then knock on your child’s door daily and to remind them, “Appointment at 2:30! Get it? Tooth-hurty?”
THE WELL-PREPARED MOM FRIEND
You’re the mom of the friend group, always reminding everyone to bring a sweater, drink some water, wear their sunscreen. Now, you’re on the group chat, on Facebook, AND Instagram Live ready with tips, reminding people how to stay safe, and stay home. “Six feet apart ladies!” “Flatten that curve!” Whether it’s a Zoom Happy Hour, or Google Hangout, you’re expressing yourself with your “Condoms, Rose!” tee and a “Yeah Rights” zip pouch full of hand sanitizer, wipes, and a spare phone charger, just in case. What would we do without you?
THE BIRDWATCHING BARD
You like two things: words, and birds. Now you’ve got the time to pursue your passions. With your backyard binoculars, we have the perfect plumage and pages to help you kill two birds with one…wait, no. Anyways! Our “Early Bird” tee is basically like wearing poetry, and our “Duck in Training” shirt is definitely a metaphor for something. Keep our “Birds with Arms” notebook handy so you can write verses about vultures, haikus about herons, or even some spoonbill sonnets.
THE OVERLY AGGRESSIVE CAT LADY
You’ve created a reputation as the unofficial feline rescue center of the neighborhood. Unfortunately, there’s not a lot of strays, and you’re “rescued” quite a few cats with collars. Your neighbors are starting to complain they want “Snowflake” back, but the identical cat you found in your live trap is clearly a Gerald. Plus, your landlord is on your back about “health code violations.” Ugh. Doesn’t he understand how hygenic cats are? It’s hard out there for a friendly neighborhood cat lady. Don’t worry. Our “I love my cats” tee says it all. Plus, our “It’s Super Effective” blanket is purrect for wrangling the more squirmy kitties.
THE HAPLESS, RECKLESS, FINGERLESS CHEF
Someone watched one too many episodes of Chopped. You’re a homemade, knife-wielding, finger-flaying, master chef and your friends are getting very concerned. It was fun at first, when you were just adding weird seasonings to your nuggets and Instagram Live-ing your mac and cheese reduction destruction. But you’ve activated every smoke detector in the apartment building, and only answer to, “yes, chef!” Everyone’s kind of hoping you hang up the apron and take up take out. But until then, you can wear your “Gator Grilling” shirt with pride and keep your secret spice mix (taco seasoning and cinnamon) in your handy pouch.
THE BITTER BEEKEEPER
It started out as a backyard hobby, but when Jerry started spending more time on his stupid model train than his own wife, it became your life. Now you’ve named 3,000 of the bees and spend just about every waking moment keeping up the hive drama. It’s like Game of Thrones up in there. That’s why you just had to get your sticky hands on this “Royal Pardon” tee. You can transport that sweet, sweet nectar home in our “Buzzin” tote. Enjoy a nice sweet sip of honey tea in our “Honey” mug. When Jerry asks to try some, tell him too bad. Your honey is only for people who treat you like a queen.
THE *AHEM* AGRICULTURIST
You’re a basement botanist, a budding businesswoman, and until a certain plant is legalized in your state, if anyone asks, you’re in “sales.” But enough about work! Let’s focus on your real passion: being the best digital role-model in the world. Sheltering-in-place is the perfect time to puff, puff, pass some knowledge on to the world online. Spend some quality time teaching your Facebook friends how to bake in our “Let’s Make Brownies” tee. And stash your stash safely in our handy zip pouch.
“Onward you hounds of hell! Onward you mighty mongrels! To your destiny! Wait stop, I gotta pick up your turds.” Nothing kills time like a little walk around the block, especially when you spend it in fantasy land. Our “Time to Embark” tee makes it clear. Fido’s not just peeing on a bush; he’s extinguishing the hell fires. That’s not a squirrel he’s barking at, it’s a troll guarding the path. This poo bag? You mean the traveler’s rucksack? Just remember to capture every adorable canine moment with our “Satan’s Little Helper” phone case.
THE PRECARIOUSLY PAPERLESS
Your daily date with the porcelain throne used to be about peace, release, and scrolling memes. Now you find yourself breaking a sweat whenever you look at your plummeting plys. It’s a crappy situation. Relieve some of the tension with our “What Would Macgyver Do” tee. Our “Daily Superhero” notebook can help you chronical this hardship, and, in a desperate matter of the fecal variety, could be a substitute of sorts. Bare down and we’ll all get through this.
We’ve got safe and surprising stay-at-home looks for everyone. Yes, everyone. Even you. Weirdo.